Thinking Peace

Isolation Healthy or Unhealthy?

2011-07-10T11:30:00.001-05:00

In fact, there can be aspects of isolation that are healthy and there are other aspects that can be detrimental to the natural healing and growth process. After loss it is often necessary to have time to rebuild yourself because in the process of your loss you have had to redefine yourself as well. Your loss includes your own metaphorical death and as you pick up your pieces and redefine yourself, there is a need for time to be in relation with yourself once again. It is similar to after a major surgery and having time in the recovery room to allow reintegration into your present situation as well as reintegration into the world around you. This process takes time and finding yourself in this process can be difficult. Not taking the introspective time to allow acknowledgement can keep a level of denial of your loss in a place that can impede your healing. When isolation becomes a coping mechanism in order to not reintegrate into society and the world around you, there may be new problems within your life. After a loss you may feel so stripped and sensitive that interacting with society on any level can be excruciating. Each person, usually with good intent, that comes up to you is a reminder of your loss. This reality check can feel like a sledge hammer slamming down on your already shattered heart or fragile self-identity. This sensitive time is crucial for finding supports that allow you to feel safe so your mind does not start feeling you are alone and no one will understand. Slowly reaching out and finding people that allow oxygen into the “isolation bubble” will be beneficial. Feelings of insignificance, shame, guilt, or just unworthiness can start to diminish and allow you to start the healing process. Like a bear after hibernation, there comes a time to step back out into the world and integrate with your surroundings to start rebuilding your strength and stamina to allow healing and growth within your life.

12 30 10 Step by Step: Reflections of the Past While Stepping into the New Year

2011-02-10T13:59:00.000-06:00

Dear Readers:
At this time of the year you may find yourself looking at the past as you wonder about the future. As you take time to ponder, be gentle on yourself and remember your victories during the year while gleaning the wisdom from losses or difficult times. It is easy to fall into the negative pattern of revealing what you may see as defeats and traumas leading into the trap of hopelessness and despair. Melancholy can be a wonderful space that allows deep introspection when reviewing your experiences while taking the time to connect deeply to your psyche and view those experiences that have had a profound affect on you. Besides looking at the year, it is a good time to review your entire life and complete an inventory on where you are as well as where you want to go in the future. This inventory allows you to honor losses, glean wisdom and change parts of your life that may not be beneficial to you while strengthening areas that are gratifying to you. You may find other areas where you can stretch your comfort zone in order to grow and open up actions or emotions that may not feel comfortable yet, but in the long run will allow you more happiness in your life. It is similar to a business completing their end of the year inventory to clean out the shelves, restock as well as choose what will be beneficial in the future for progress. As you glean this wisdom and realize there are some actions you may wish to change within yourself be gentle and try to remember that small steps can produce more mileage than complete makeovers that may set you up for failure rather than growth. As you reflect on losses in your life you may wish to remember what that loss gave to you before it disappeared. In honoring the life and lessons, you can grow and allow the loss to become your teacher and live within you by allowing its true essence to shine from your actions and allow you to heal and prosper as well. As 2010 comes to an end I hope you will take the time to do your inventory, clean up areas and actions that do not work for you and step into 2011 with simple and gentle steps of New Year resolutions that are attainable and growth oriented. Celebrating humanness and realizing that you are a work in progress can allow you permission to realize your process is not perfect and that you can continually learn and grow by honoring losses, celebrating life and having the bravery to look within and let your true essence shine out into the world. Honoring losses and gleaning the lessons can allow your wisdom, love and strength to be the inspiration and momentum for a better future for you and others. Here’s wishing you a wondrous and conscious New Year. Until next time, take care.

4 08 10 Resistance Can Be the Catalyst for Healing

2010-04-07T13:07:00.001-05:00

Dear Getting the Nerve
Congratulations on choosing heal and become conscious of your personal growth as you step back out into the world. Your action in writing your note to me is part of the healing to reintegrate back into society. The resistance to change can be overwhelming and I believe this resistance is similar to friction as you rub up against your comfort zones. Within this friction is the heat that allows for alchemy or malleability as you reshape and redefine yourself. When you have a loss it is common to have recovery time in which you may isolate or “go within”. This is similar to being hospitalized and being in the recovery room after a surgery. At some point it is time to step back out into the world; a world that may not see you as redefined or hold you in that place you were before your loss. This can lead to other types of resistance as you may feel the need to explain or defend what you are becoming or how your world has changed. There can be a lot of resistance in this as it continues to work with deeper levels of denial of how you have transformed and continue to grow. As fear and hope collide, you may feel frozen from these two polarities yet in the midst of that container of energy is the fuel to move forward. It is kind of like two magnets with opposite polarities and the energy that is released within that space. The key is how to consciously direct and navigate this energy towards healthy healing. There is magic that can happen as you lean into your comfort zones and allow that heat to naturally and gently transform you into your next step in life. Losses are your rites of passages as you grow and change. As you step through that gateway into your new life this “resistance” time can be the opportunity to evaluate your entire life, looking at losses, victories, lessons and other experiences that have brought you to this point. Reviewing your life, blessing your past and gleaning the wisdom can allow the bravery to step into the next part of your life. Taking one step at a time and looking at whatever task is presently the most important will be less overwhelming, allowing flow to ease the resistance as you emotional heal and grow on your path. Until next week, take care

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing. Please direct questions to Ted Wiard, LPCC, CGC, founder of Golden Willow Retreat and clinical supervisor for Teambuilders Counseling at (575) 776-2024 or GWR@newmex.com.

3-25-10 Boundaries: An Important Part of Healing

2010-04-07T13:06:00.000-05:00

Dear Ted,
After experiencing many losses over this last year which included a divorce, loss of job and some loved ones who passed away, I feel as if I’m starting to come out of a deep vacuum in which I am very different and my community is changing. I’m noticing that in setting boundaries I am causing some pain for others as well as some loneliness within my own life. What do you have to say about boundaries and healing from grief? Sincerely, Walled In

Dear Walled In,
It sounds as if you are in the midst of the natural healing process from loss. It’s quite common after experiencing loss that your community begins to shift and change. I believe that in loss, the definition of who you were before that loss dies due to the changes within your life internally and externally. In other words your external losses cause a “metaphorical death” of you. Within this death you may change many perspectives of your life, passions, interests, etc. These internal changes may not represent how the outer world sees you, as the outer world doesn’t usually transform in the same way that you change. This can cause conflict or tension as there is a feeling of pressure to be the person you were before your losses. As you re-define who you are becoming, you may set boundaries that are difficult. Boundaries are the chance to state your truth and say how you can or cannot be involved in some sort of action or interaction. You are not demanding others to change, only that you cannot partake in that behavior. In the beginning, boundaries my feel like your putting up walls due to saying “no” to behaviors that in the past may have been expected from you. Over time the “walls” come down and then the boundaries are not as much to the outer world but inward towards your self. Internal boundaries are catching yourself with actions that will lead to an imbalance of your emotional state. Trying to catch yourself before you have certain behaviors such as speaking about or acting on something from an unconscious state becomes the name of the game and can allow a higher level of serenity as well as less external boundaries, due to not setting up the situation that feels as if you are being attacked. This can be a time that your “community” changes as you change and for a while you may feel lonely as past relationships that are not working for you dissipate, making room for new and present relationships. This can be lonely as you stated, yet by being in relationship with your “Self” in a healthy manner will attract a community that is more in alignment with who your truly are internally and externally with balance. Until next week, take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing. Please direct questions to Ted Wiard, LPCC, CGC, founder of Golden Willow Retreat and clinical supervisor for Teambuilders Counseling at (575) 776-2024 or GWR@newmex.com.

3-11-10 Secondary Grief is Real & Normal

2010-03-14T19:24:00.003-05:00

Dear Ted,
My wife died last year and the anniversary was last week. I have felt a major dullness come over my body yet it feels very different. I’m also noticing that a lot of my feelings seem to be a “disconnect” from the world around me, my community and even God. What do you make of this? Sincerely, William

Dear William,
I can feel and hear your pain as you work with the anniversary and death of your wife. There is also an interesting piece that appears to be happening in the midst of your healing that is quite common right around a year after a substantial loss in someone’s life. It’s as if there is a different playing field in the grieving process, from grieving the actual death and physical presence, to the secondary losses in your life. There is a transition in which you begin to be aware of yourself as well as the secondary losses that now present themselves such as: being single, changing lifestyles, financial changes, being a single parent, lacking levels of intimacy, thinking of possibly dating and the list goes on. All of these disconnects are called secondary losses and secondary grief. As we heal and life continues forward these losses begin to show up as a new level of the grief phases. You mentioned feeling a “disconnect” and this is exactly what happens. As you redefine yourself and rebuild yourself from your loss so many parts of you have to be redefined and within this state there is disconnect. Quite often you feel estranged from family, community and “God”. I personally believe that we learn our spiritual path through our relationships so it would make sense that as you redefine yourself and feel disconnected from yourself; you will be disconnected from these other relationships as well. I remember so clearly a year after my wife died that I thought I should be all better and I must be doing something wrong due to feeling new and different levels of sadness. It would have been helpful to know about secondary losses and that I had just entered a new level of healing from grief which I needed to do in order to find my losses and start to rebuild myself. In this “rebuilding” I was able to reconnect with family, community, reconnect with myself and a Higher Power of my understanding. It is natural and normal to feel disconnect as you rebuild, heal and step toward reconnecting in the world and the normal emotional healing process. Until next week, take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing. Please direct questions to Ted Wiard, LPCC, CGC, founder of Golden Willow Retreat and Clinical Supervisor for Teambuilders Counseling at (575) 776-2024 or GWR@newmex.com.

2-25-10 It Takes Bravery and Time to Regain the Giggles

2010-03-14T19:24:00.001-05:00

Dear Ted,
I lost my job about a year ago and have found since that time I have had little energy, not much “spunk”, and seem to focus on the negative rather than the positive. What has happened? Do you think I will ever get my spontaneity and joy back in my life? Thanks, Rosa

Dear Rosa,
It sounds like this last year has been difficult and I want to thank you for reaching out and breaking the bubble of isolation that can happen so easily after a loss. This is a good sign you are on the right track of regaining your life and happiness. I once read that happiness is the balance of walking with joy and sorrow. It sounds like your balance was disrupted with the loss of your job. The hard part is being out of balance can start to feel normal and your subconscious can search to keep this new out of balance system in place. I call this “comfortably miserable”. The problem is usually you (or anyone) doesn’t even know that there is a false comfort zone. Even if people are trying to let you know that this is happening, you may not be open or aware of what is going on. This can affect relationships with others as well as yourself. The first key (what it appears you are doing) is to step out of the comfortable bubble of isolation and reach out for help. In grief this “bubble” is the phase of depression, it may be clinical depression or it may be the grief process in which your psyche has stepped into the recovery room (similar to after surgery) and is healing from the loss. After your loss your pleasure levels may be out of balance and the bar to feel pleasure may be so high that it is difficult to find joy easily. With this bar so high it makes it easier to find things that appear wrong and/or negative. High irritability at others, yourself and/or the world may arise as highly sensitive radar looking for things that are wrong in your eyes around you. This can be very difficult on relationships and may cause more damage within the relationships causing more problems and more grief. It is almost as if this loss is now starving to stay alive with new fuel from the negative feelings of the outer world. It is like our unconscious is searching to have the outer world match our inner pain. This trap can be detrimental leading to more isolation and anger while pushing those we love away and in return causing more loneliness and irritability. Within this self-perpetuating cycle, hope can feel very far away and possibly feel too far away. Breaking the cycle is the key and by reaching out, initiating and nurturing relationships and taking some “chances” such as being spontaneous, silly, or adventurous which can help to cause change and start to bring the pleasure bar back into the radar. This can be scary because it means you are breaking the old comfort zone of isolation and anger and leaning into having balance of fun, joy, happiness, connection, love as well as sorrow and loss. Daring yourself to nurture and celebrate life once again can be difficult yet it can allow you the chance to bring serenity, connection and healing back into your life. I wish you well on your journey to gain happiness and balance on your healing path. Until next week, take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing. Please direct questions to Ted Wiard, LPCC, CGC, founder of Golden Willow Retreat and clinical supervisor for Teambuilders Counseling at (575) 776-2024 or GWR@newmex.com.

2-11-10 Shame and Guilt: A Common Feeling in Grief

2010-03-14T19:23:00.002-05:00

Dear Ted,
I have been feeling enormous amounts of guilt and shame and feel heavy, stuck and frozen. I have become so nervous that I feel like a deer in the headlights. Do you have any thoughts? Thanks, Needing a Change
Dear Changing,
There are times in life that can become so overwhelming that your psyche feels stuck or frozen. This is when your internal machinery freezes and it can feel impossible to move forward in your life. It is as if the stimuli coming in is too much and there is no more room to hold the past and present, making the future seem impossible to the point of not being able to move, make decisions, or even breathe. The past can lead to a place of shame and guilt. In the bargaining phase of emotional healing through loss, your psyche is using all of its energy to change the past rather than work with the present. I call this the “should of – could” of phase. If I had only said this, if he/she had only done that and so on. The brain is trying to change the past in an attempt to bring balance to your emotional world. The bargaining process needs room to be explored so that emotional wounds can be brought to light and then released so that guilt and shame do not become a self-confining jail in which you become frozen and unable to experience a productive and fulfilled life. There are actions you may wish to take: letting go of secrets, making amends, being healthy and conscious in the way you live your life today. This is often accomplished with the help with someone who has expertise in this type of healing work. Looking deeply and honestly into your actions and truths and beginning to feel healthy can be scary because you may not feel (consciously or unconsciously) deserving of a happy, wonderful and productive life. I believe all of us were meant to have happiness in our lives. Forgiveness to yourself and others may be the first step in finding out that you are deserving to heal and live fully. Moving towards acceptance of your historical life and your present situation may allow for conscious decisions that create a healing and happy future. The key in working with moving out of this frozen state is the ability to be truthful and gentle with yourself, realizing you were doing the best you could at the time and not judging your past with the vantage point of your wisdom of today. Your wisdom today is due to your actions from yesterday. Being willing to forgive yourself and move through resistance has the ability to transform guilt and shame into passion, hope and happiness. Being able to realize that the wisdom of today is due to your actions of the past will help move you forward. Moving out of the frozen role and choosing to “show up” with purity of intent and wise actions is all we can do. Making the decision to heal and then taking the action to follow through is the path of integrity. I hope you will be gentle to yourself as you honor your losses while honoring yourself with the hope of a life balanced with joy, sorrow and peace, and the actions to manifest happiness and health. Until next week, take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing. Please direct questions to Ted Wiard, LPCC, CGC, founder of Golden Willow Retreat and clinical supervisor for Teambuilders Counseling at (575) 776-2024 or GWR@newmex.com.

1 28 10 A Lifetime of Healing and Growth

2010-03-14T19:23:00.001-05:00

Dear Ted:
Over the past few years I have felt enormous pain with different types of losses and I am grateful to say, last year there were not any major ones. I’m surprised that I keep having tough days; anniversaries take me down and the emotional rollercoaster just continues. How long does it take to feel better? Sincerely, Ready for a Break,

Dear Ready:
It is clear that you are working and healing from losses and it is good to see you are consciously aware of a grief process in which you are identifying and expressing your emotions. As your losses are still recent and over the past year you have experienced many secondary losses, you are still working with the primary loss. What I mean by this is when you have a loss such as death there is the primary loss of the death of your loved one. It may force you to make changes that begin new losses such as financial, familial, identity, geographical and other changes that were not expected in your life and are forcing you to redefine yourself and rebuild yourself in many categories of your personal and professional life. All of these changes are actually losses and play beneath the shadow of your primary loss that was the catalyst for change. You also talk about anniversaries and other special times that may hit you like a 2x4 and cause another flood of emotions. This emotional wave may happen for no obvious reason as well. This is your body and your emotions trying to catch up with the actual fact of a loss in your life. Your brain may have factual information yet your psyche may take years to integrate this fact into your emotional pool of the conscious and unconscious. The more these two can integrate, the easier it will be to ride the roller coaster of grief and loss. The ebb and flow of healing is like a massage that is slowly allowing you to not have has many painful lows. Loss does not go away but it does change. I see it as a slow transition from anguish, to high levels of pain, to longing, to sadness and then missing, with different triggers that spike any or all levels to pop back into the present moment. Each spike will then subside and as you allow yourself permission to have these different emotions, it also becomes easier to trust they will pass and you can survive the ride. As the years go on and you are able to dance with the healing process, You will still have these different levels of emotions and you will start to have more time of joy, presence, connection, gratitude and possibly transforming the lessons from your losses and the wisdom from those teachers into clarity, self-realization and step more clearly into the present moment while honoring the past. Until next week, take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing. Please direct questions to Ted Wiard, LPCC, CGC, founder of Golden Willow Retreat and clinical supervisor for Teambuilders Counseling at (575) 776-2024 or GWR@newmex.com.

1 21 10 Shame & Guilt: A Common Feeling in Grief

2010-03-14T19:22:00.002-05:00

Dear Ted,
Through the last year I have experienced some large changes in my life and as I try to heal I find myself full of guilt and shame to where I don’t want to go out into the world. It is as if I am suffocating in my own bubble and I don’t want anyone else to enter. Does any of this make sense and do other people feel this way? Thanks, Bob

Dear Bob,
It sounds like you are in the midst of a difficult time and I hope you receive the support you need to help in your healing from the changes in your life. With change and loss there is often a feeling of guilt of shame as you transition from the old to the new. Grief and loss can lead to a place of shame and guilt. When you are in transitions in your life it is normal to review the past and possibly wish your actions could have been different or had different outcomes. I call this the “should of – could” of phase; if I had only said this, if he/she had only done that and so on. There is an attempt to change the discomfort you are presently feeling by trying to change the past. Many people will consciously or unconsciously choose not to do the work to move through this phase and will stay in a place of guilt, shame and blame. This phase of healing is called bargaining, and the process needs room to be explored so that it can be brought to light and then released. Guilt is when there are actions that you regret, or feel you have done something wrong. Shame is when you feel you are a bad person. I believe all of us were meant to have happiness in our life. Forgiveness may be the first step to finding out that you are deserving of healing. Recognize that your judgment of today is due to the wisdom you hold from the experiences you had in your past. Giving yourself permission to appreciate that if you had the wisdom of today then, you might not have been in those situations at all. The key in working with loss and evaluating your past is the ability to be truthful and gentle with yourself, recognizing you were doing the best you could at the time and not judging it with the 20/20 hindsight of the present vantage point. Being willing to forgive yourself and move through resistance so that you are no longer confined and defined by your past has the ability to transform guilt and shame into passion, hope and happiness. Until next week, take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing. Please direct questions to Ted Wiard, LPCC, CGC, founder of Golden Willow Retreat and clinical supervisor for Teambuilders Counseling at (575) 776-2024 or GWR@newmex.com.

1 14 10 Permission to Nurture Joy and Silliness is Good for Healing

2010-03-14T19:22:00.001-05:00

Dear Ted:
I am a senior in high school, my grandmother died and my father is going to prison. I have had a hard time finding joy in my life and find I keep seeing the darkness of everything around me. I miss the light-hearted and easy going person I used to be before this awful year. Is this normal and will I regain some of the oxygen that seems so far away? Sincerely, Where’s the Joy

Dear Looking for Joy:
It sounds like your year has been difficult and you are feeling the depths of grief more than many people of your age group. Your bravery to write this question is commendable and expressing your feeling is the start to healthy healing in the midst of loss. When you have loss in your life it is as if you have died as well. The normalcy of your past is gone and you are forced to redefine yourself and the world around you. During this process it may feel like your heart and soul are hollow and in that vacuum it is easy to recognize the sadness and darkness around you and in the world at large. This is normal and as you heal you will have the opportunity to start to recapture your heart and soul. The key here is to honor the sadness while you allow lightness and good back into your consciousness. I don’t know why but it seems easier when we are sad to search out more sad and bad things in the world to keep feeding that vacuum of darkness. In knowing this, you can choose to find moments of allowing joy back into your consciousness with things that warm the heart and may even break a smile. This can be so difficult due to feeling you should be doing this, causing an internal struggle of not wanting to give up relationship you have with the sadness. One of my saving graces in the midst of sorrow was the beauty of nature. This allowed me to feed little crumbs to my empty plate of contentment. As time went on, I was able to notice other activities, sounds, sights and conversations that allowed the crumbs to grow into a feast. I slowly found humor that brought the entire world back to color and gave me new passion to rebuild and enjoy my life once again. Healing from loss takes time and does not happen overnight. There are still days I can get caught in the darkness and in this I can honor my emotions, claim my feelings and continue to heal moving one step at a time back to a more well balanced life of joy and sorrow. Thank you for your courage of your question and I hope all of us are reminded to step into healthy silliness and love, honoring giggles, laughs and the brightness as each of us step into the light of another day. Until next week, take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing. Please direct questions to Ted Wiard, LPCC, CGC, founder of Golden Willow Retreat and clinical supervisor for Teambuilders Counseling at (575) 776-2024 or GWR@newmex.com.

1 7 10 Global Issues can Trigger Grief

2010-03-14T19:21:00.002-05:00

Dear Ted,
I am amazed at the level of grief that can come upon me as I think of the sadness of our global affairs and the levels we have continued to hurt the earth. I wrote a poem that I wish to share about this issue:
Devotee Entire – Why this profound hurt, my heart? Why this underlying weeping? No, I am not depressed as men mean it: the face friends see is mostly smiling. I known many loves in this life, many hearts have opened; I have been uncommonly blessed. It is not for myself I am weeping. Once Adeliine, dear soul and seeker, cast my horoscope: the gods, she said are giving you in this life, this little round, a rest, an easier path as you have done long work in other lives – in the greater round in her perspective. Of that I know not. Of other homes for love I know nothing: I am a devotee entire of Mother Earth and of earthly loving. I’ve strived always to walk with heart green and leafing, arms open to love, to sex, un-denying of death, the cycle. It is a great gift a wise friend and lover once told me to be able to accept a gift gracefully. Does the Earth smile most on those who love her best? Is the Universe alive as well as luminous? If so, it is for me pure gift; I have never believed in prayer. No, I am not depressed as men mean it. If there are gods they have been uncommonly kind. The face friends see is mostly laughing. It is for you, Great Mother, that I – surely any human of open heart—inevitably now must suffer. We weep for the Earth’s great losses, nature dying, man’s endless depredations. It is the cost of love this underlying weeping. I am a devotee entire of Mother Earth and of earthly loving; of other homes for love I know nothing. It is the cost of great love—beloved Earth, luminous Universe—this underlying weeping. Sincerely Frank
Dear Frank, Thank you for this beautiful poem and the permission for each and every human, in their own way, to express and care for our planet. As each and every one of us heal our wounds and losses we can become more conscious in our external and internal worlds. Your expressions for the momentum of the lack of care for the earth are clear and your empowerment to choose to take action rather than stay in a hopeless and helpless state is commendable and a great teaching for the importance of healing and growing through loss. My hope is that your poem may remind all of us as we take our first steps into 2010 to be aware, loving, caring, grateful for our lives, the people in our lives, the world at large, and the importance of the care that is needed for the healing of our actual planet which so closely mirrors each and every one of us. Until next week, take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing. Please direct questions to Ted Wiard, LPCC, CGC, founder of Golden Willow Retreat and clinical supervisor for Teambuilders Counseling at (575) 776-2024 or GWR@newmex.com.

12 31 09 Welcoming the New Year: Gleaning Wisdom from the Past

2010-03-14T19:21:00.001-05:00

Dear Readers:
As we complete another holiday season and another decade, I wish you all the best as you step into 2010. A common tradition at the beginning of a new year is reviewing the past and making goals for the future. This can be a very cathartic and productive exercise if done with compassion and love for yourself. It is so easy to judge the past with the wisdom you hold today. Remembering that the wisdom you have today is due to your history; the challenges, losses, victories, joys, sorrows, surprises, gains and all other experiences that have helped you become the person who is now reading this and open to change and growth. Being able to decide if decisions or habits are healthy for you is the gift of wisdom and consciously observing yourself. As you review this last year, (or decade) I hope you will do this with a compassionate and loving hand to yourself with the goal being to find what areas of your life that you enjoy and that serve you, your family and the community in healthy ways. Looking at the areas that are not pro-active and healthy are important as well and in this you become more aware to change these behaviors. As you set goals for this next year and your future, have these goals be realistic and able to do one step at a time. Goals that are not attainable immediately can turn into set ups for failure. Choosing to set goals that are attainable while working for larger goals can allow you to have continuous growth with success in your life. Healthy and attainable goals can lead to manifestation of your dreams. Parenting yourself internally allows for boundaries to be set, actions for a productive life and allows for serenity as you become led by your internal values and disciplines. Like a healthy and loving parent, you have the opportunity to see, hear and value yourself with compassion rather than self-deprecation and feelings of not being good enough. Honoring who you are today while continuing to heal, make amends for past wrongs, celebrating joy and the victories along your path can give you the gift of more serenity with love and in return this can reciprocate from the universe back to you. As you step into this next year I wish you a healing and loving path that starts from within and then radiates out to the world. Giving yourself the gift for forgiveness and honoring your ability to survive and grow can be the seeds for a healthy and wondrous life. May this year be a year of growth and serenity as you walk with the balance of recognizing both sorrows and joy. Until next week, take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing. Please direct questions to Ted Wiard, LPCC, CGC, founder of Golden Willow Retreat and clinical supervisor for Teambuilders Counseling at (575) 776-2024 or GWR@newmex.com.

Holidays: A Time of Renewal & Hope

2010-03-14T19:15:00.001-05:00

Dear Readers
This being a very special week with Christmas here, Hanukah completed and Kwanzaa beginning, I would like to wish that your holidays be filled with love, healing and hope. No matter what your beliefs are, including beliefs that do not have a religious/spiritual base, this can be a time of connection with one’s self, family, friends, community and the world at large. The Winter Solstice on the 21st was the seasonal beginning of moving out of the dark and into the light. It’s no surprise that this would be a time of celebration and connection. This year seems to be a year that connection is becoming more important as times appear difficult on a national and international level. As this time of year is about rebirth, new harvest, new light, miracles and faith, maybe your first seeds of hope for life’s harvests are: love, compassion, hope, wisdom, peace and connection to self and others. Most religious and spiritual stories have a theme of renewal in a time of little hope. During that darkest hour there is the rebirth of energy and hope allowing for continuation of your life’s journey. I also like to think of this as a time for the children, a time to remember innocence, forgiveness, happiness, play and magic. Children are teachers of being present and in the moment. These teachings become difficult as we become older, jaded, resentful and hurt. Yet isn’t that similar to the biblical story as Joseph and Mary could not find anyone to open their doors to them and had to settle for a manger for the birth of Jesus? No matter what your spiritual beliefs are, I hope you can take the lessons from these holidays as a time to release irritability, resentments, anger, rigidity and other shields of protection that may keep you isolated from light, hope, love and happiness. If you think of the beauty of a child who still holds dreams and innocence, you can see the gift of serenity. In healing your losses and wounds and giving permission to be your authentic self, you give the gift of internal love that can radiate out and connect with others giving hope, peace, trust and love internally as well as externally. I wish all of you happiness during this holiday season and thank you for taking the time to connect with me and others personally or metaphorically as we continue to grow and heal through loss and gains in our lives. May the child within you find the gift of hope and light today and everyday. Blessings. Until next week, take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing. Please direct questions to Ted Wiard, LPCC, CGC, founder of Golden Willow Retreat and clinical supervisor for Teambuilders Counseling at (575) 776-2024 or GWR@newmex.com.

12 17 09 Hope in a Time of Darkness

2009-12-14T10:50:00.000-06:00

Dear Ted:
With many holidays this time of the year, I find myself feeling low and tired. Even though all around me are decorations of lights, candles and other events that say all is well. Am I weird feeling low during this time? Thanks, Feeling Low
Thank you for your openness about your feelings. You are not alone, as a matter of fact, part of the holidays or holy days deal with this subject. Within the darkness may be a seed of hope that light will return to your heart and to the world at large. Soon it will be the winter solstice, which is the shortest day of the year and the longest night. After the winter solstice, days begin to get longer and the moon moves towards becoming full again and light returns. There are many holidays at this time of the year such as, Chanukah, which is a reminder to not remain silent in the face of oppression and to surrender your rights and identity in the midst of darkness. The tradition of the lighting of candles helps one to remember that there is enough fuel through faith at your darkest time. There is also Kwanzaa to remember the celebration of family, community and culture and Christmas, the celebration of the birth of Christ. With each of these holidays, there appears to be an underlying message of hope even within the oppression and darkness. Looking at the metaphor of your darkest moment, there may be a way to capture and nurture a stream of light. This may help you in stepping forward with a flicker of light on your path through some dark times. In that, you can begin to align your rhythm with the seasons and as you capture light moments, the days will grow with you in strength. With tradition and darkness, you may find yourself healing from the “loss phase” of bargaining, in which you take time to look at your past, the lows and the highs and do an inventory of your situation, your life and your ambitions. In doing this you may find fond and difficult memories, moments that bring tears of laughter and sadness, dreams fulfilled and other emotions that may need to be released. In this introspective work you may find where you want to make changes in your life and discover how you can become more connected to the world in a new and more profound way. In the midst of all this darkness, you have survived to light another candle, with enough oil left for another candle to follow this day. This is the oil of passion and faith that within each of us is the fuel to move forward with more light to share. I wish the same for you as you move into the eve of light. Until next week, take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing. Please direct questions to Ted Wiard, LPCC, CGC, founder of Golden Willow Retreat and clinical supervisor for Teambuilders Counseling at (575) 776-2024 or GWR@newmex.com.

12 10 09 Feeling Disconnected from Yourself & Others

2009-12-04T13:14:00.000-06:00

Dear Ted,
A year ago, I had some losses in my life that shook me to my core. I was so sad and it’s taken a long time to start to recover. What I have noticed is that even though I am doing much better today, I feel as if part of me has not returned and I don’t have the same level of spirit and passion for life. Is this normal? Feeling Disconnected

Dear Feeling,
It sounds like this year has been a healing year for you and while being aware of your process; you’ve chosen to consciously work on your losses. This is so awesome and you should be commended for your efforts. When you have a major loss in your life it is as if your spirit/soul is yanked from your body. This is sort of a disassociation from your trauma is a type of protection much like the phase of denial which is to insulate you from the blow until you are ready to absorb the experience into your psyche. This is important and can protect you but it can also lead to becoming accustomed to not having passion or feeling connected. Some will try to do this work by reintegrating into familiar places and then force themselves to pretend to be happy or who they “used to be”. This usually doesn’t work due that your loss has redefined who you are as a person and some of your old ways of being with others may not continue to work anymore. The key is to reconnect with yourself and start knowing who you are and how you connect with society as well as yourself. As you call your soul/spirit back to yourself you can nurture the ways that allow you to connect in the world. After my daughter’s accident, I was at the hospital as my oldest was still alive and the doctor came to me and said, “your daughter was hit so hard that her soul was yanked out of her body and she is now deciding to reintegrate or go on”. She died later that day but this information has never left me and has helped me as this process happened. I believe as you are hit with a loss, a similar process happens. Your entire system is shocked into a place that feels as if you have died and metaphorically you have. As you “resurrect” you have the ability to heal redefine yourself and call your “soul” back into your being. Finding how to nurture and celebrate your spirit is a component of the healing process that makes the bravery and work to heal from loss worthwhile. I wish you well as you find ways to bring spirit and life back into your body and being. I know it is worth it. Until next week, take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing. Please direct questions to Ted Wiard, LPCC, CGC, founder of Golden Willow Retreat via GWR@newmex.com.

12 3 09 Holidays & Anniversaries: Triggers for Emotions & Healing

2009-12-04T13:13:00.000-06:00

Dear Ted,
I feel this anxiety of the holidays as December approaches. I just completed Thanksgiving and it was a hard swallow. These two months of holiday exposure are difficult. Last month was the first anniversary of my wife’s death. I survived the anniversary and I immediately start to dread the upcoming holidays. Am I overreacting, is this okay? Sincerely, David

Dear David,
Anniversaries are such a difficult time and can bring back so many memories (happy and sad) and your emotional and physical system can get worn down. The anniversary comes and you work with that day and then quite often you become drained from the anticipation of the date and the experience of the actual anniversary. It is almost like you have an emotional hangover from the experience and yet while drained, you are reminded that another type of anniversary is on its way, called the holidays. This is difficult due to expectations by society, advertisements, marketing and possibly you and family that this time is supposed to be full of cheer and joy. This expectation can be so daunting that it feels as if you are in a dark cloud. As time passes and you heal from your losses, you will also start to learn that you are surviving. You are able to survive the anniversaries as your internal world starts to have a different experience on that day. In this scenario, your anniversary will slowly not be as emotionally charged and may become more of a day of remembrance, honoring and healing rather than trauma and pain. This, in return, will give you more energy to enter into the holidays knowing that they too, will decrease in their intensity as emotional storms pass and you have more emotional shelter.
It is so strange how a loss can feel like it happened two minutes ago, years ago, or possibly another lifetime. Anniversaries have a tendency of having past experiences feel like the here and now. This is normal and it is as if your psyche does not have a clock or calendar and the emotions triggered from loss come flooding in as if it happened that day. Many people do not understand this and may have expectations that you should “be over it”. Honoring your feelings and allowing happiness to be the ability to walk with joy and sorrow will give you permission to move through the holidays with authenticity. Giving yourself permission to feel and heal is a true gift. In grief there is no right or wrong, there is only natural healing. The more this can be done consciously, the less anniversaries and holidays will deplete your soul. I wish you well as you give yourself permission to ride the storm of emotions while navigating through the societal traps of the marketing of holidays. Until next week, take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing. Please direct questions to Ted Wiard, LPCC, CGC, founder of Golden Willow Retreat via GWR@newmex.com

11 26 09 Gratitude a Healing Force in Recovery and Resilience

2009-12-04T13:12:00.000-06:00

Dear Readers:
This week many of us will be celebrating the Thanksgiving holiday and for those cultures and individuals who do not recognize or celebrate this holiday, there is a message for all of us to remember the importance of gratitude. As emotional losses enter our lives, fear and abandonment seem overwhelming and the art of gratitude can be pushed out of our consciousness. Healing from these losses can become more difficult as the pain can become compounded and complicated. There is an overabundance of information from mass media, advertisements and other sources of information that tell us what is missing in our lives as well as what has gone wrong. This negative movement has similar characteristics of addict behavior: searching and scouring for the next motive to be angry or feel without. Wants become needs and basic needs are ignored. After my wife, 2 daughters, mother-in-law, and brother had all died in a short period of time, I found it difficult to even think of gratitude. Everything was hollow and I was stripped. My heart shattered and I could not find emotional nutrients anywhere. It was easy to find the negative in anything as well as myself. The isolation bubble of anguish and misery consumed me and in this, I pushed people away while silently screaming for help. As healing began, I could find gratitude in areas such as the sun coming up, a meal, nature, a helping hand, or a quiet moment of serenity of heart. I noticed my heart started to open once again. With room to reach out, I found there was room for others to reach in and rebuild community. I found more and more reasons for gratitude. I noticed healing began and I could start celebrating the lives of my family rather than just their deaths. This allowed me to move out of the past and into the present with less energy going to towards judging and second guessing events and situations that I was powerless to change. The more time I spent recognizing the wonders and miracles of life and the power of healing and transformation of negatives into positive motivation, the more I was freed from the misery trap I had created. Today, I’m grateful for my life and am happy to be alive. My story has very tragic and sad moments and yet I am grateful for those people and events as they have helped me become who I am today. I’m appreciative of the wonders of this life with the ability to continue to grow, learn as well as connect with others in service, community, friendship and family. I am also grateful for all of you readers as well as the Taos News that allow this article to happen. Honoring gratitude will help allow abundance to enter in your life in the form of emotional healing and growth. Until next week, take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing. Please direct questions to Ted Wiard, LPCC, CGC, founder of Golden Willow Retreat via GWR@newmex.com.

11 19 09 Healthy Isolation Allows Healing

2009-12-04T13:11:00.002-06:00

Dear Ted:
A few weeks ago our son died during birth. We both are shattered and find it all so difficult. The funeral has past and our friends have returned to their own lives and we still sit broken hearted with little energy or effort to go out in the world. I have also noticed it is hard to go shopping as all I see are baby things, pregnant moms, children playing etc. It is as if there is a magnifying glass that zones me into these people or things. I would rather stay home and not interact at this time. Is this normal? Thank you, John

Dear John,
You find yourself in a very excruciating time in your life and my heart goes out to you, your family and all of those who are in the healing process after the loss of a child. This type of loss appears to break all the universal rules and leaves the heart shattered. When my daughters died, I I thought there wouldn’t be another minute or day without such intense pain that I could barely breathe or move. I lived in a land a fog for quite a long time as the natural healing process moved me forward, yet I find myself today with a happy life that I am grateful for and hope you and your wife the same as you begin to heal on your path. Your loss is enormous and if you compare it to a major surgery such as heart surgery, you may find solace in the fact that conscious isolation is not only normal but healthy. You said that your heart was broken, if you correlate this to heart surgery, you would have the time to recover after your surgery. This would include a recovery room in which you had time with very little stimulation to get back to your senses and then you would return home and rest, once again with little stimuli. The first phase of the grief process is denial and it can be interpreted in different ways to each of us, yet one part of denial is the healthy reintegration back into your world after it has been shattered. This takes time and your wounds are fresh and sensitive. Denial is similar to insulation and allows us the protection and space for rebuilding and reintegrating into the world. As you heal you will find certain activities will become less sensitive and you will be able to step back into the world around you. This will take time and some areas will stay sensitive for a very long time. Giving you and your wife time and permission to gingerly rebuild who you are and slowly reintegrate into your new situation can help for a healthier and less traumatic experience on your path to healing. I wish you well as you grieve your loss and heal from this experience. Until next week, take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing. Please direct questions to Ted Wiard, LPCC, CGC, founder of Golden Willow Retreat via GWR@newmex.com

11 12 09 Healing Honors Your Loss

2009-12-04T13:11:00.001-06:00

Dear Ted:
The other day you wrote an article on healing from loss and moving through the fog. I have experienced this feeling of guilt as I feel I am forgetting my loved one. It is hard to let go and on days that I am not overwhelmed with my feelings of loss. What is this all about? Sincerely, Lisa

Dear Lisa,
Thank you for your question. It sounds like you are working and healing from a loss and allowing for your broken life to rebuild and grow. Remembering that emotional healing is a slow process, with no set schedule or benchmark to “be over it”. You will not “get over” the losses that have an impacted your life. You will change and grow as healing happens, this does not mean you will lose the loved one and have them cleared from your life and memories. Loss is something that moves through different phases as you heal. It starts with anguish, moving to pain, then to sadness, to missing, to remembering with forgiveness, and possibly gratitude as you glean the wisdom from your experiences with that loss and transform them into aspects of yourself. Please remember that this is not a linear process and the phases will come and go, yet the overwhelming pain will decrease in intensity and duration. As you learn to trust the healing process, you will be able to make it through the intense waves. You may find it similar to pregnancy, having labor contractions with a high intensity and then subsiding for a time; these waves of healing are the birth of the new you! In this process, the best qualities and teachings from a loved one are integrated into your psyche and hopefully your way of living. This can be difficult as the only relationship you have with your loved one after their death is the grief and there is usually a fear that if you let go of the grief….there will be nothing. Having faith that you do not have to forget and as you let go and heal from the loss of the physicality of your loved one, you have the opportunity to allow a new type of relationship to arise. It is as if they become a guide or teacher for you with only their true essence radiating through you. Guilt and fear can undermine this process due to a feeling of what right do you have to rebuild and enjoy your life once again. And in actuality, it is all that your loved one would ever want for you. In allowing and working on healing your shattered heart, you honor your loss. Permitting joy and sorrow to walk hand in hand may give you a level of serenity that brings balance, growth and wisdom. Until next week, take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing. Please direct questions to Ted Wiard, LPCC, CGC, founder of Golden Willow Retreat via GWR@newmex.com

11 05 09 Loss of Time in the Fast World of Today

2009-12-04T13:10:00.002-06:00

Dear Ted:
I have noticed lately how busy I am and how I’m not able to do the quality things I wish I could do in my life. I feel as if I have losses due to trying to survive as the world seems to be flying by and survival is the main game. I also feel certain regrets as I look back on things I lost the opportunity to experience due to not taking the time. I’m just feeling like time is slipping away and the quality of that time is minimized. Any thoughts? Looking.

Dear Looking:
Thank you for your comments and insights. This is a great example of how losses can come in so many different ways and being able to express your feelings is part of the healing process as well as having a chance to look at your life and see what you may change about it to capture the quality you yearn for. Today’s world does appear to moving faster and with the stressors of finances, survival and trying to “stay above water”, quality seems to be secondary in many people’s lives. There is also a high level of fear that has a way of being stuck in the past and fearful of the future, leaving one in a frozen state and split between two worlds, with neither being the present world in which quality of life is experienced. As you step out of the fear and start to find presence in your life, there may be feelings of loss in what you have not experienced or what you wish you had accomplished with your time that is no longer present. The other side of this coin is the ability to honor the grief of the past, yet gather the wisdom to not repeat whatever regrets one is feeling about that lead to a lower level of quality than you had wished for in your past. It is easy to judge the past with the wisdom you presently have, yet the wisdom arrived due to your past experiences, so being gentle with your self is important in order to not decrease your quality of life now. Find the areas of your life where you feel loss and then nurture these areas to fit the quality you are looking for, like healthy relationships, love, fun, spirituality and personal growth as well as global growth. By living in the present you can start to connect while allowing the disconnection from yourself and others dissipate. Reflecting on your past, gathering the wisdom and stepping into the present is part of emotionally healing from loss and as a result, you may reevaluate your priorities and find more presence while celebrating the delicacy of life and time. Until next week, take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing. Please direct questions to Ted Wiard, LPCC, CGC, founder of Golden Willow Retreat via GWR@newmex.com

10 29 09 Returning from the Fog

2009-12-04T13:10:00.001-06:00

Dear Ted:
This last year I experienced many losses in my life. When my mother died about six months ago, my world came crashing down. In her death I felt lost and many other losses seemed to come to my mind and heart in her death. I still miss her and grieve her not being physically on earth anymore. The other day it was like I all of a sudden, woke up and started noticing the world around me. All of my daily responsibilities with family and work have been done well yet there is a part of me that it is as if I have been asleep. Is this normal to feel like I am coming out of a fog and opening my eyes for the first time in a long time? Thanks, Waking Up
Dear Waking Up:
Your touching letter shows your love and grief for your mother as well as describing the grief process very well. Thank you for sharing your experience. Yes, what you have experienced as well as what you are experiencing is normal and as a matter of fact is the natural healing process with a loss. When you have a loss, your heart is shattered and it is not different than a physical wound. The difference is that the physical wound is visible and accepted by the people around you. If you had had surgery you would have time in the recovery room to rebuild strength, rebalance your physical life with food, liquids and medication, and then you will be given a plan to help you get home and rebuild your life. With an emotional loss, your body does something very similar. It is almost like your body protects you with outside stimuli and only allows you to absorb enough information to function at a much lower level than you have done in the past. For some people, functioning is at such a low level they will need more support than others. This is not different than people in the recovery room at a hospital needing different levels of care, time, and support. It sounds like you have been doing a lot of healing over the last year and that your psyche is starting to allow you to reintegrate into the world more and more. As you are waking up from the natural anesthesia (also known as denial) you are able to see areas of your life that may have been negated over the last year. I hope you are able to give yourself the compassion you would give to someone after the recovery from surgery. The chores that were missed in your recovery can now be “cleaned up” and you will start to notice more things around you as your heart opens back up to the world around you. Celebrating recovery and noticing what is around you from colors, to seasons, to joyful moments, to the wonders around you are all signs of emotional healing from loss. Welcome home!
Until next week, take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing. Please direct questions to Ted Wiard, LPCC, CGC, founder of Golden Willow Retreat via GWR@newmex.com

10 22 09: Religion & Spirituality with Grief

2009-12-04T13:09:00.001-06:00

Dear Ted:
My husband died about six months ago and it has been very difficult to heal and regain my life back. Lately I have noticed that I question everything about my beliefs from religion to spirituality to any other philosophical and internal belief I have ever had in my life. Is this normal? What is going on? Thanks, Caught in Doubting

Dear Caught,
What you are feeling is quite normal and yet not openly talked about in our society. I don’t know if it is due to fear, shame, unspoken rules or something that we are taught. This is unfortunate as in questioning, reviewing and analyzing, you are able to continue to grow and heal. With a loss such as the death of your husband, everything you had taken for granted was shattered and the way you had defined and presented yourself to the world has crashed. In essence, you died as well yet you have the chance to rebuild yourself and continue living. This is the old saying of the phoenix rising from the ashes. In this process you will need to look at your spiritual beliefs as you resurrect yourself. Questions such as who am I? What is my purpose? What is life’s purpose? Is there a purpose? What and who is God? Do I believe in a Higher Power? If there is a God, am I allowed to mad at God and if I don’t believe in God, why am I mad at God? And the list goes on and the questions continue to be pondered. I see this similar to rebooting a computer and it needs to go through all of its files and bring everything up. The only difference is that you have the ability to analyze your internal files and make sure they still are serving you in a positive way. For many people religion can be a wonderful vehicle to help you connect to your Higher Power and give teachings, ritual and ceremony to allow for this connection to happen. For others, ritual and ceremony may come in other forms or through other spiritual practices. Organized religion, individualized spirituality or a combination of both helps many people find a bigger picture that helps make sense at a time when nothing makes sense. You may not believe in any type of religion or God and still move through this process of reviewing your beliefs, values and what grounds you in this lifetime. All of us move through a review of our life within the healing process and being able to give yourself permission to review and explore your beliefs, see what works and continue to grow is one of the gifts of emotional healing from loss. Until next week, take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing. Please direct questions to Ted Wiard, LPCC, CGC, founder of Golden Willow Retreat via GWR@newmex.com.

10 16 09 The Dance: Extroverts and Introverts

2009-12-04T13:08:00.002-06:00

Dear Ted:
Two weeks ago you discussed personality types of the introvert and how the world can be difficult with the demand for immediate processing of information and giving that information back. How does this play into the world of the extrovert or gregarious person? Sincerely, Ruth

Dear Ruth,
Thank you for bringing me back to this topic. People have a tendency to believe that an extrovert is a person who is friendly and outgoing. These are generic aspects of an extrovert. In addition, an extrovert is a person who is energized by being around other people. This is the opposite of an introvert who is energized by being alone.
Often an extrovert will talk with someone else rather than sit alone and think. Extroverts tend to think as they speak, unlike introverts who are far more likely to process information before speaking. For extroverts, concepts just don't seem real to them unless they can talk about them as reflecting on them isn't enough. It is amazing how your unconscious is looking for balance so it is no surprise that many times extroverts and introverts are attracted to each other to find that balance of stepping out in the world. Understanding this in relationships is very important to lead to healthy communication and the realization that the other person may process information quite differently than you. Allowing time and understanding the personality type of the other person can allow growth in you, while allowing the other person to do their natural process. If an extrovert processes by throwing information out onto the table to bounce it around and process that information, it is not the time for the introvert to look at each detail and ask questions about that idea. This is no different than the extrovert trying to get information from an introvert before the introvert has internally processed the information. Finding balance and honoring both types of personalities can allow for an amazing relationship and help each person grow as they find safety in being able to step out and give information or step in and process information. The extrovert needs external information to find safety and energy for life while the introvert needs time to process and recharge energy to have safety and navigate the external world. Neither is right nor wrong, it’s just how a person comes into this world or learns as a child to survive. Giving information to an extrovert and giving time to an introvert can allow for balance in a relationship with each learning and growing, while gifting the other with information or time. Letting an extrovert know how you feel can be an enormous gift while not demanding an introvert to always be ready to publish information can be the gift back and the dance that allows less stepping on toes! Until next week, take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing. Direct questions to Ted Wiard, LPCC, CGC, founder of Golden Willow Retreat via GWR@newmex.com

10 08 09 Past Traumas Take Time to Heal

2009-12-04T13:08:00.001-06:00

Dear Ted,
I have had many traumas in my life. I have been doing work to heal my past but sometimes I still have bad dreams and I don’t know why. Does this happen to other people? What do you think?

Dear Julie,
This issue is quite common in the healing process from trauma and loss. If the past comes to you as flashbacks, nightmares, panic or anxiety attacks or in other ways that cause your body to react as if it happening in the present moment, this is called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). More people are having this experience due to the high level of trauma that the world is experiencing right now. Abuse, accidents, fires, death, fearful moments, feeling out of control or overpowered (mentally or psychically) and even the loss of control can cause different levels of trauma. Around the world many soldiers coming home are having difficulties with this issue as the person and their psyche have witnessed trauma. There is even something called vicarious PTSD in which someone is traumatized by imagining what it is like to be in a traumatic situation. Television, the news, video games can cause such trauma due to the unconscious believing it is real. No one knows what will cause internal trauma to one person and not another. I like to remember that there is no gauge of one trauma being worse than another due to the unconscious not being able to judge, it just sends out messages of panic and fear and does not disenfranchise and minimize the story. Often these panic attacks, anxiety, nightmares, flashbacks and other symptoms are the body trying to release repressed and suppressed emotions to allow the physical and emotional body to be in balance and not have dis-ease within itself. This is similar to a volcano with internal pressure being pushed to the surface. Sometimes as you allow healing, these issues will arise due to you having more internal infrastructure to work and heal from past wounds. Reaching out is very important in order to not disenfranchise your emotions and to allow healing within your unconscious and conscious world and as a result, having a higher level of balance and serenity. Seeking support with a counselor, doctor, clergy, support groups and spiritual/religious groups may help you on your healing path. Different disciplines such as breathing & physical exercises, yoga, meditation, the arts, can bring solace as well. Remember the unconscious slowly heals and past issues will arise is part of this healing and to be gentle with yourself during the process. Finding safe ways to express and be witnessed will give you the support for conscious and unconscious healing. Until next week, take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing. Please direct questions to Ted Wiard, LPCC, founder of Golden Willow Retreat via GWR@newmex.com

10 2 09 Being Shy in a Demanding World

2009-12-04T13:07:00.000-06:00

Dear Ted:
I heard you give a talk in which you discussed the world of an introvert and how difficult that can be in today’s world. Can you please say more? Thanks Patrick

Dear Patrick,
This is a great topic rarely discussed in our society about personalities. There is quite a demand in today’s world to be spontaneous, have the answer quickly and react with little preparation. With the technology of the world and information literally at our finger tips, it is hard to imagine time to slow down and process the stimuli that is coming into our mind and psyche. For example, take personality types, most people are somewhere in the spectrum of introverted or extroverted. Some people may say this is withdrawn or gregarious. In reality all people are a bit of both and probably lean more to one side or the other. If you lean towards the introverted personality, society can appear rather demanding with instant information. People who are highly introverted can appear painfully shy and have difficulty communicating with the world around them. An introverted person usually will take information, process that information and then be ready to present their response. It is like making bread and needing to put it in the oven before it can be shared with others. An extroverted person would buy the bread have a feast and then discuss how great the bread was or was not in the experience. The world today has really placed an emphasis on the extrovert. Remember speed games such as “Around the World” (a math game), where whoever states the answer first wins and moves on while the person who did not blurt out the answer is left in the loser seat? An introverted person needs time to process information with little pressure from the outside world. Otherwise there is new stimuli as the person on the outside sits banging on the door for information. Sometimes this can lead the introvert to lash out to buy more time or to go deeper in their “cave” trying to escape the noisy knocking at the door. This can be very difficult and along with societal pressures, the introverted person feels there is something wrong with them and they wonder why they aren’t like “everyone else”. In actuality if you are an introverted person you are exactly who you should be. By finding ways to ask for or take time and by giving yourself permission to process information in a manner that fits your personality, you are able to share your knowledge and wisdom while breaking bread with others in a structure that fits your style and brings integrity and healing to your inner world. Next week I will talk more about the dance between the introvert and extrovert. Until next week, take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing. Please direct questions to Ted Wiard, LPCC, CGC, founder of Golden Willow Retreat via gwr@newmex.com.

9 24 09: Transference & Projection: Saboteurs for Communication

2009-12-04T13:06:00.002-06:00

Dear Ted:
I hear people talk about transference and projection often and am not sure what they are talking about. Please help explain these two issues that seem to run a lot of our lives especially in relationships. Thanks, Jami

Dear Jami,
This is a great question and if each of us could become more conscious of this phenomenon, communication and intimacy would be so much easier in our world. Projection is when you have a certain feeling about yourself and you project it out onto another so that you believe they have that feeling about you. For example if you feel angry about yourself or feel someone is angry at you; you project this out and actually see or hear this person as angry towards you. It is as if you have a film projector that takes your feelings, projects them onto the other person as a film screen and you watch a movie that you created! Transference is a bit different as it’s where you actually take an experience of someone else and place that person, emotion or experience onto someone else. For example let’s say you are talking to someone who triggers an emotion about your mother, in this moment you take the experience with your mother and place that onto the person you are talking to at that time. So you “transfer” your mother onto this other person. From this transfer you are emotionally responding to them as your mother. This can happen for many reasons and often it is due to certain emotional wounds that have not been resolved where your unconscious it trying to reenact the situation to allow this emotional wound to heal and be resolved. It also means that we are often attracted to people who will help trigger transference and projection in order to heal these wounds. Most psychiatrists feel this probably happens anywhere from 50 to 80% of the time in relations with another person. This shows how difficult it is to have true intimacy if a lot of your time is spent transferring other people and projecting yourself onto the person you are trying to communicate with. As you can imagine this can lead to assumed or misplaced anger and irritation, defensiveness, false role models: (father or mother figures), others who have harmed or scared you, unresolved relationships and the list goes on. Intimacy is when you truly see someone for who they are, with projection and transference, you can see how difficult this may be for you and the other person. As you heal and become conscious of these emotional triggers the more you will be able to see someone for who they really are and have cleaner and clearer communication and relations. Until next week, take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing. Please direct questions to Ted Wiard, LPCC, founder of Golden Willow Retreat via GWR@newmex.com

9 17 09: Witnessing Grief, Holding the “Space”

2009-12-04T13:06:00.001-06:00

Dear Ted,
I’m flying out to help someone whose mother died last year and the first year anniversary is coming up. Her mother was also my friend for more than thirty-five years. Do you have any advice on how to help her? Thanks, Wanting to Help

Dear Helper,
Witnessing a loved one struggle in life can be difficult and painful. It can also be intimidating to go to someone’s home to help them during an emotionally painful time in their life. Realizing you are not there to “fix them” is crucial. In other words, you are stepping into this person’s world to help in a situation that is not fixable and they cannot be rescued from their loss. You can help support them as they emotionally heal and move through this painful, yet important process. Being supportive can be difficult because the grief process is different for everyone. But it is very possible once you are able to let go of expectations and control of a certain outcome. Grief has no measuring stick and the time line differs in each situation. When someone speaks of being stuck, somewhere within the healing process there was a blockage that is not allowing the person to step into the present. Giving space yet holding that space is magic and comes from a place of love and compassion. Her daughter and you share the loss, maybe differently, but your authenticity of sharing and expressing your sorrow and grief, can allow for a bond to be formed. Ceremony, as in sharing stories, memories, creating a photo album, lighting candles, can become a ritual on the anniversary. These are all gifts to facilitate healing as your friend’s daughter leads the way. This type of activities can help in the healing process of remembering the person’s entire life…not only grieving their loss. When there is a death or loss in someone’s life it is as if the past and the future collide making no present moment. There is a void in that person’s life with no foundation to stand upon. As someone heals and works with their loss they can honor their past, glean the wisdom and step towards their future while rebuilding the ground of the present. In this alchemic process, your friend’s daughter can celebrate her mother’s entire life, honor her death and step into her new present situation with the wisdom and gifts of her mother and a new passion for her own future. Holding the space and having focused and clear intention can give a person permission to grieve, celebrate and start the rebirthing within them as they step into the present while honoring the past. Until next week, take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing. Please direct questions to Ted Wiard, LPCC, founder of Golden Willow Retreat via GWR@newmex.com.

9 10 09: Caregivers Grief Needs Expression for Self-Care

2009-12-04T13:05:00.000-06:00

Dear Ted:
I am a provider for an agency where we work closely with young families dealing with everyday struggles, newborns and many difficult issues that arise. Even though there are professional boundaries, these families enter my heart and have an affect upon my life. I think there is true grief as families exit the program, have deaths within the family or disappear without closure. Can you elaborate on this as there are so many caregivers out there who may feel they should not have these feelings and they become disenfranchised? Sincerely, Jane

Dear Jane,
This is such an enormous issue and I appreciate that you have asked for this issue to be discussed. Caregiving is an enormous and difficult task which happens professionally and personally within a family. Taking care of someone can be physically and emotionally strenuous and taking time for yourself is important to insure quality of care. Taking time for yourself allows for longevity and endurance as well at decreasing the potential for burnout. I use the metaphor of stepping out of a car for a cross-country ski trip and making sure that all of your equipment is correct, gloves are on, boots are tight, coat is zipped and hat is in place before helping someone else. This way you are healthy and safe rather than becoming a liability due to helping others before you are prepared and safe yourself. There is a lot of loss within caregiving such as watching someone in pain or a need that cannot be fixed, having a client or loved one die or become sick, having a family or individual move away or just choose to not have you in their lives anymore. Even positive stories have loss, such as the person or family stabilizing and not needing your services anymore. A good caregiver usually becomes emotionally involved with the family on some level due to it being “heart work”. Finding ways to care for yourself in the midst of working with others and learning strategies to separate your clients from your personal life is difficult but very important in order to balance your personal and your professional life with care. It is essential to acknowledge and express your losses regarding your job with colleagues, supervisors and/or professionals so you do not push these feelings down into your subconscious where they come out blindly and misdirected. Being a caregiver in today’s world is a demanding job among people with intense needs. Bringing them hand-held support with care can only be done when you have taken care of your personal needs and found ways to grieve your losses, celebrate your successes and set healthy boundaries between you and the individuals you are helping. Thank you to all the caregivers of this world. Until next week, take care

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing. Please direct questions to Ted Wiard, LPCC, founder of Golden Willow Retreat via GWR@newmex.com.

9 3 09: Getting Your House in Order Leads to New Energy

2009-12-04T12:55:00.001-06:00

Dear Ted:
My wife died a few months ago and I have since been motivated to take care of issues that can make a big difference in my life now and later on when I die to make it easier for those who will deal with the details I have left behind. I become overwhelmed with my grief and what the future has in store for me. Sincerely, Stepping Forward

Dear Stepping Forward,
Life transitions, as the death of a partner, are enormous and often difficult. To start the healing process, you step into a transformational “rebirthing of yourself”. This can be overwhelming and scary, leaving you in a feeling of being frozen. There can be resistance to changes in your life due to certain levels of conscious or unconscious denial that your life has drastically changed. To function in this world most people walk with denial of mortality and need to have an illusion of safety known as immortality. When a loved one dies or one experiences other types of loss in life, the illusion of immortality is removed temporarily and you may find there are aspects of your life that should be addressed in case you die. This is a great opportunity to take care of the “to do list” before these important issues are set aside and forgotten. Taking steps to remove these difficult tasks will also allow you to become pro-active of your life in your new situation. As the tasks are removed, you will gain confidence as well as becoming mindful of issues that might cause trouble in the future if your legal issues are not in order. Tim Rivera, owner of Rivera Family Mortuaries, says, “It is sad to watch families walk through legal and emotional confusion due to plans and details not being addressed ahead of time. This situation can lead to family conflicts, during a time that should be for mourning and grieving the loss of a loved one”. People who “have their house in order” are able to grieve without the conflicts and problems that may block the healing process.” Tim goes onto state, “Some of the completed tasks that allow for an easier healing process are: having a will, funeral and burial details including prepaid funeral costs, cremation or burial, delegating possessions and any wishes that may help the bereaved walk through this difficult time.” So as you start to rebuild your life, take the time to address these emotional tasks so that they do not cause a higher level of overwhelming feelings. Be well as you heal and grow, allowing a level of safety, knowing you are building structure in your life that allows you to step back out into the world with confidence and purpose. Until next week, take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing. Please direct questions to Ted Wiard, LPCC, founder of Golden Willow Retreat,via GWR@newmex.com.

Connecting Addiction with Grief

2009-08-27T08:19:00.001-05:00

Dear Ted,
Being in recovery, I continue to experience this amazing concept with losses in my life coming up and biting me on the butt! With ten years of sobriety and the AA discipline, I’m surprised just how much this can send me into a spin. What do you have to say about this?
Watching for Triggers

Dear Watching,
It is always great to hear of someone walking a spiritual and healing path in recovery who also understands that emotional healing and personal growth is a lifetime feat with new revelations and treasures unfolding one day at a time. Lifetime work can become overwhelming and working with one day at a time and sometimes one breath at a time can be a difficult. With grief often being a precursor to addictive tendencies, I agree that unresolved grief can be future triggers for relapse or at least as you stated, emotional spins. Losses in life can accumulate and without release can cause dis-ease within you. It is easy to turn to self-medicating the dis-ease through addictive behaviors such as alcohol, drugs, sex, shopping, internet, relationships and many more. These are all attempts to ease the emotional pain which can be traced back to historical and present losses in your life. There are also losses within sobriety that are often overlooked like the loss of your drug of choice, loss of friends and habits once sober, loss of a lifestyle and the many losses from the havoc wreaked during addictive behavior. It may take you years to work with guilt and shame that accompanies the path of addiction. You also have to relearn how to feel soberly and walk through situations that in the past that allowed you to use a substance to blind you from the feelings. This is why support is so important and as you stated, Alcohol Anonymous is one of those types of support. As you step out into the world sober many old wounds may arise and need to be addressed. These emotional wounds haven’t had a chance to heal during active addiction so as you continue to grow emotionally and spiritually there is enough psychic infra-structure for these issues to arise from the subconscious. Allowing these historical emotions to be seen, heard and valued allows you to grow and change self-defeating habits due to fear from these old wounds/losses. As you identify emotions and have the ability to express them in healthy ways, you will find burdens lifted, triggers less sensitive and your path of sobriety have new areas of growth with self-realization, emotional maturity and less emotional spins due to having faith and maturity to use your tools and wisdom to walk through those difficult times consciously and courageously. Until next week, take care

Addiction - A Family Disease

2009-08-09T07:57:00.002-05:00

Dear Ted,
Not too long ago my son went to a treatment center for drugs and alcohol and while he is gone, I am having many feelings of guilt, sadness, anger with a hallow feeling in my belly and a foggy feeling in my head. It seems strange since he is in treatment but I am the one with all of these feelings. Is this normal? Who is in treatment anyways? Thanks, Fred

Dear Fred,
Addiction is a very viral disease. We think of the addict as the one with the disease yet in reality it is a family disease, affecting many as it spreads through the family system. I tell people when a loved one goes into treatment that the entire family goes to treatment in different ways. For the entire family, denial is broken, there is a protest that this is reality (anger). Take your time in looking at how this baffling disease has ended up with your son going to treatment and what could you and others have done to stop it (bargaining); the sadness and lack of control you have and the surrendering to this lack of control (depression); this is real and everyone is on a path to healing (acceptance); which lead to steps you can take in the midst of this disease and how can you be proactive in your life to help the entire system (relocation). Look at this time as a time for your healing and how you can be supportive in healthy ways for your son. You can gather the wisdom from this, even in your family’s life, to build a stronger system for all of you. A mantra to help you continue to work on yourself and not get caught in the guilt world of shame and blame emotional roller-coaster, is to realize within this disease of addiction you: did not cause it, you can’t control it and you cannot cure it. This will allow your energy to be focused on what you can do and that is to continue to work with your emotional being and healing rather than have your energy go where you have no control. Al-Anon is a wonderful program that teaches this information to help support and break isolation for those who have a loved one with addiction. Remembering that family systems are interconnected and that one part of the system is changed for good or for worse the rest of the system must adjust and change as well and in this there is a loss with the opportunity for healing and a higher quality of life. I wish your family well as you all discover the path to healing. Until next week, take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing. Please direct questions to Ted Wiard, LPCC, founder of Golden Willow Retreat and clinical supervisor for Teambuilders Counseling at (575) 776-2024 or mailto:GWR@newmex.commex.com

Phases of Grief: Acceptance: A Multi-Faceted Word

2009-05-28T08:13:00.001-05:00

Dear Readers:
Last week’s blog focused on depression as we do an overview of the phases of grief and emotional healing from loss. Please remember that loss comes in many forms and is not limited to death or other flagship losses. Loss is constant and losses can be the end of a day, loss of a dream, disappointment of any kind, divorce, loss of a pet, addiction, health, or any other situation that forces you to have change in your life. This week I will be focusing on the fifth phase of grief and loss, which is acceptance.
Acceptance is a highly triggering word in that it can mean so many things to each and every person. The first time I thought about acceptance in this form I jumped straight to anger in the fact I could not believe that I should accept the tragedies of what had happened to me. Acceptance to me equaled forgiveness, all was okay, let it go, and/or I should forget my loss. In the healing work of the phases of grief, acceptance does not have to equal any of these types of situations that may cause panic to your internal world. Acceptance comes and goes as time moves forward and path of healing and growth continues. It is very much like the old metaphor of an onion that there many layers of acceptance and pealing away of the protective layers of denial. The first part of acceptance is often a fact in that you have been given information from one of your senses that there is loss. This fact may have come in the form of you witnessing something, being told, a realization of yourself or another or many other ways of stimuli letting you know there is change. It then takes your psyche and emotional world time to catch up with this information and that where the ebb and flow of the phases of grief buys you time to catch up, process and integrate the information that you have received. Acceptance really comes down to the acknowledgement that you have loss and that you are in a natural healing process from that loss. Forgiveness, “a bigger picture” and other healing areas may not fall into acceptance, I believe they are in a category all of their own called “grace”. Giving yourself permission to move in and out of the phases of grief and letting this be a healing process is how acceptance helps in your healing. Just being able to say, “I have loss and I am grieving” is a miracle and allows healing aspects to kick in and over time the emotional world and the cognitive world can find commonality and serenity. Until next week, take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing. Please direct questions to Ted Wiard, LPCC, founder of Golden Willow Retreat and clinical supervisor for Teambuilders Counseling at (575) 776-2024 or GWR@newmex.com

Phases of Grief: Anger and Bargaining

2009-05-20T20:56:00.001-05:00

Dear Readers:
As stated previously, we are exploring the phases of grief. Last week we discussed denial, which is often the first phase one enters. Denial is what allows you time for the psyche and body to comprehend, digest and start the process of acknowledgement of that loss. Anger is a very common phase that appears in many forms and is part of healing that is not publicly supported. As a child and throughout your life, anger may have been something that was not permitted. I like to use a different word for anger that may give you a higher level of permission for feeling and expressing a very important phase of healing from loss. The word that seems to work well is: “protest”. Anger or protest are very important and a part of your survival system. Anger allows the body to find energy where resources seem drained. It’s as if this emotion is a jump-start for the body. It allows the brain to move out of denial and start to realize that you are still living in the moment even if you are grieving something from the past. Anger is a powerful mechanism that triggers the adrenals to give you an extra push. Quite often anger can be towards others, your self, the situation, or something not even related. You are fighting for control over something you have no control over, a loss. Somewhere in this process the bargaining phase enters in the equation of natural healing. Bargaining is your brain trying to connect dots so that loss makes sense. I call it the “should of could of, would of” phase. It is the phase of thinking “if only this would have happened or I could have done this, or I should have done this” and the monkey chatter continues with different ideas of changing the inevitable outcome of loss. It is your last chance to try desperately to change that outcome. Many news shows are committed to having bargaining and anger dance together upon the show. Stating an atrocity and then analyzing all the ways this should not have happened and how it should have been avoided or how angry everybody should feel from the loss. This is normal and natural and it can slowly become a denial piece of getting lost in anger and tangents rather than dealing with the loss and allowing grief to be experienced. Anger and bargaining can be the time that we learn new boundaries, find ways to express our sadness, glean wisdom from the past and allow healing to take form while honoring your loss.
Until then, take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing. Please direct questions to Ted Wiard, LPCC, founder of Golden Willow Retreat and clinical supervisor for Teambuilders Counseling at (575) 776-2024 or GWR@newmex.com

PHASES OF GRIEF - DENIAL

2009-04-28T11:41:00.001-05:00

Dear Readers:
Yearly, I give an overview of the phases of grief and how they work within your own or someone else’s healing process. The phases are like a pot of stew and they do not follow a linear process where you get to “check off the box” and “step” through the phases. Instead, you will meander in and out of the phases and probably be working with more than one phase at a time. You may have factual knowledge, one level of acceptance, while not able to believe that the loss ever happened, DENIAL. Pain and sorrow do not come from a rational or analytical place. It’s okay if it does not make sense and giving permission to feel is such a big part of this entire healing process. Again the phases are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance and relocation. I like to include yearning and denial. I have these separate as they meander in and out of all the phases fueling the phases to help with the natural healing process. The first phase, DENIAL, is a form of psychic protection that keeps you at a distance from all the dangers and fears of the world. It allows you to go to work, be productive and venture out into the world. It is part of your illusion of safety so that everything and everybody does not become so scary that we isolate and never leave home. In the grief process it is a mechanism that buys you time and distance in order to heal at a pace that your mental infrastructure can handle at that time. You ebb and flow into your wounds. The difficultly is, as you distance from your loss it is easy to find other self-medicators that can be part of denial. Addictive tendencies run high as distracters from the pain and loss. Trying to be as healthy as possible and getting help from healthy people professionally and/or from loved ones is very important as you may not even realize what is going on within your own denial. Denial runs the gambit from, “I can’t believe this has happened” to the cellular level of your psyche and body catching up to the present fact of your loss. As you heal there is less and less denial due to your system being able to sit and grow with your loss. We will continue into ANGER next week. Until next week, take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing. Please direct questions to Ted Wiard, LPCC, Founder of Golden Willow Retreat and Clinical Supervisor for Teambuilders Counseling, at 575-776-2024 or GWR@newmex.com.

Knowledge of the Phases of Grief Allows Hope:

2009-04-13T09:45:00.001-05:00

Dear Ted:
You talk of the grief process. Could you review this?
Thanks, Rob

Dear Rob,
I’ll be happy to review the phases of grief. Yes, old losses, known and unknown can play a part in your everyday life from your emotional demeanor to everyday reactions. I’m glad you asked this question because I had just been thinking I was due to review the phases of grief and re-visit the foundation of emotional healing from losses in one’s life. Loss has been part of life since the beginning of time. It happens in nature with the seasons, animals and natural disasters. With humanity’s evolution, especially in certain societies, loss was hushed and shelved away in some imaginary file cabinet called denial. Grief, death, loss and other “sad” words were not spoken. When there were emotions displayed, people became nervous and uncomfortable. Through the unconscious shying away from emotions in grief, many humans were taught that honoring grief and loss was not normal, robbing us of a natural order in the world. In some form or manner we were taught we must “get over” the loss without being given any tools to heal. Dr. Elizabeth Kubler- Ross, a pioneer in the field of grief and loss, began speaking out on death, dying and the grief process in the 1960’s. Her work allowed people to be aware of a grief process. In her work, she spoke of the 5 stages of grief as denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. As time went on she said how she wish she had not called them “stages” because it made it sound like this was a sequential process rather than an ebb and flow with no set order. She spoke of these stages from the perspective of a person in the dying process. In metaphorical terms, when you have a loss, you die as well. Your life, as you knew it, has changed and has disappeared on some level. From this you fall into a natural grieving and healing process. Three additional aspects that I include are: yearning, isolation and relocation of grief. Relocation is when you are able to change that physical loss into something you transform into a new relation. From this relocation and relationship you have the ability to walk within the world a stronger and healthier person than who you were before you started emotionally healing from your loss. To work with your grief and the phases of grief gives you the opportunity to understand that you are in a natural and normal healing process. Giving yourself permission to heal can help become your motivation for self-realization and gratitude. Next week I will review the phases of grief in more detail. Until then, take care.
Ted

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing. Please direct questions to Ted Wiard, LPCC, Founder of Golden Willow Retreat and Clinical Supervisor for Teambuilders Counseling at 575-776-2024 or GWR@newmex.com.

3-26-09 Loss of a Pet: A True Loss

2009-03-20T13:25:00.000-05:00

The Taos News has committed to implement a weekly column to help educate our community about emotional healing through grief. People may submit questions to Golden Willow Retreat and they will be answered privately or possibly a future article for others. Please list a first name that grants permission for printing.

Dear Ted:
Two days ago our 14 year old family dog died. It impacted the entire family and I am grieving heavily. We are having a ceremony for her and honoring her life. It seems to have caused other memories to resurface and I feel like I am dealing with these as well. Thanks for all you do, Tracy

Dear Tracy,
I am sorry to hear about your dog’s death and am glad to hear you are honoring her life and allowing the family to have a ceremony to honor her life. Pets play an enormous role in a family’s life. With any loss there is grief, sometimes you may be aware of the natural healing process and at other times it is a process that takes place unconsciously. A dog of fourteen years is something that is noticed. A pet that has been in your life that long has been participating in so many ways. Playing with your children, comforting you on those sad moments, being there when it seems nobody else is, getting in trouble, giving unconditional love and being a witness to all of your everyday events as well as the sad and joyful moments within your life. They become the witness of time, almost like a living time line with unconditional love of loyalty rarely found between two people. When there is a loss, of any kind, it is common for that loss to open other losses in your life that continue to heal. Remembering that grief and loss is a lifetime healing experience will give you permission to allow these other losses that have surfaced to be seen heard and valued in order to heal more deeply. It is easy to think that grief is like having the flu and after you have “dealt with it” everything is better. This is just not true and a loss may resurface many times with each time there being a new level of healing. In that moment of vulnerability within a loss, other emotions will arise as if a lid that has been holding these emotions back has been lifted. Your dog has represented a long time period in your life and in that your dog has helped carry your grief, representing that life continues even when it seems as if it cannot move forward. She has been your teacher of living in the moment and celebrating life. In honoring her life you are healing yours, healing and celebrating everything that has brought you to this point of emotional healing. Thank you for reminding us of the gift of our pets and the importance of grieving all losses in order to experience healing in ways that are deeper than we will ever know. Until Next Week, Take Care
Golden Willow Retreat, nonprofit organization, focuses on emotional healing. Please direct questions to Ted Wiard, LPCC, Founder of Golden Willow Retreat and Clinical Supervisor for Teambuilders Counseling, at 575-776-2024 or GWR@newmex.com

Rediscovering Yourself After Loss

2009-03-19T10:56:00.001-05:00

The Taos News has committed to implement a weekly column to help educate our community about emotional healing through grief. You may write questions to Golden Willow Retreat and they will be answered privately to you and possibly as a future article for others. Please list a first name that grants permission for printing.

Dear Ted,
My partner, for five years, and I just recently separated and it has been really hard on me it is as if I am in a whirlwind with no end. I feel as if my feet never touch ground and my head just swirls. It is hard to work or function around others. Is this normal or have I lost my mind? Please respond, Jacob

Dear Jacob,
Loss of a partner in death, divorce or separation is a radical change in your life and yes, it is an enormous loss in your life. For the last five years your life, good times and difficult times, have included your partner in your physical world as well as in your psyche. It is common within relationship to make compromises and gift your partner while it being out of your comfort zone and work with resistance of intimacy. This can become such a big part of the relationship that soon compromises start to be at the expense of the person gifting and you can lose yourself in the process. You or your partner may have become emotionally hurt within the relationship and slowly closed yourself off from your partner by not being available emotionally or physically. This is so difficult because in closing off intimacy with the partner, it can lead to actions that don’t allow intimacy and truth for your “self”. It is as if a fog has swooped into the relationship making things a bad dream with more and more disconnection. One person in the relationship may be abandoning themselves in order to try to keep chasing down the relationship and demand that it work, while the other one abandons their self through shutting down and not being emotionally available. When I talk about abandoning one’s self I’m talking about when actions are not congruent with one’s truth. Each one of these actions is like taking a small piece of yourself and handing it over to the other person or hiding it in a “safe little box” where your loved one can’t get to it. Over time these little pieces may have eroded you to the point of not even be sure who you are and what is your truth. In this situation it is as if you are on cruise control, not being conscious of your actions and consequences on yourself or others. This can be so normalized that you are no longer even aware how much you are no longer your true self. When a partnership comes to an end you may find yourself falling as there is no longer the other person to help stabilize you and you yearn for a different scenario. All of a sudden an unhealthy dependence is missing and as you lean….you fall. There may be such a high level of craving for that other person that it feels like you cannot take another step without them and you don’t know who you are without the dance of the other. As you fall and then begin to heal you will slowly pick up the pieces of your life and start to redefine yourself and discover who you presently. You will slowly reclaim pieces of your self that disappeared in the relationship and hopefully also discard pieces that are not truly you but were invented along the way to keep you alive. This takes time and the new relationship you are in is the relationship to self. Reclaim intuition that has been muffled, let down defenses and find healthy intimacy with your self. Find your needs and wants and where it is in relation to others and where it is within you. Let go of false Gods and connect to a Higher Power that is not a person and where the relationship with your self has been abandoned, ignored or minimized. It is as if first you flirt with the idea, then your ask yourself out, and then you date yourself and after time, you re-remember who you are and in this place of wholeness, you can choose or not choose who you are in relationships outside of your self. Vow to commit to not abandoning yourself to someone else and have the willingness to be vulnerable and true to another as well as being true to your self. Gifting another with vulnerability and love is beautiful and miraculous and the reciprocation of this gift is connection. Working together to make that relationship be held takes two, but starts with making sure the relationship to self is strong and not abandoned. I wish you well in the healing and rediscovering who you are in the midst of loss.
Until next week, take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing. Please direct questions to Ted Wiard, LPCC, Founder of Golden Willow Retreat and Clinical Supervisor for Teambuilders Counseling, at 575-776-2024 or GWR@newmex.com.

2 5 09 Holding the Space The Key for Care-giving with Loss

2009-02-20T10:42:00.000-06:00

2-19-09 Loss of a Job & the Ripple Effect

2009-02-20T10:22:00.001-06:00

2 19 09 Partnering In Relationships

2009-02-20T10:19:00.001-06:00

2 12 09 Acceptance and Relocation through Grace

2009-02-20T10:17:00.001-06:00

1 29 09 Community Grief: A Time To Come Together & Heal

2009-01-23T10:09:00.002-06:00

1-22-09 The Financial Crisis: The Loss of Safety

2009-01-18T14:06:00.002-06:00

1-15-09 Freedom from Our Past

2009-01-18T14:05:00.001-06:00

1-7-09 Nurturing and Honoring the Past to Help Heal Today

2009-01-18T14:03:00.001-06:00

1- 1- 09 A New Year: A Time for Introspection and Then Action

2009-01-17T14:13:00.002-06:00

Blessings To A New Year

2008-11-11T19:35:00.003-06:00

Children and Anticipatory Grief

2008-11-11T19:33:00.001-06:00

Moving Past The Inner Critic

2008-11-11T19:31:00.001-06:00

Emotional Healing: A Slow and Steady Process

2008-11-11T19:29:00.001-06:00

Honoring Loss In the Midst of Success

2008-11-11T19:27:00.002-06:00

Questioning Faith after Loss

2008-11-11T19:25:00.001-06:00

Loss: The Chance for Renewal

2008-11-11T19:22:00.003-06:00

The Danger of Comparing Loss

2008-11-11T19:20:00.002-06:00

As Shock Fades, The Burden of Grief Will Fall On Many

2008-11-11T19:18:00.002-06:00

The Difficulty in Change

2008-11-11T19:16:00.001-06:00

Thinking and Feeling: A Balance In Emotional Healing

2008-11-11T19:15:00.001-06:00

Sharing Your Losses Allows Healing For Many

2008-11-11T19:12:00.001-06:00

Healing from Loss: The Art of Discovering One’s Self

2008-11-11T19:10:00.001-06:00

Dating After the Loss of a Relationship

2008-11-11T19:03:00.003-06:00

Caregiving: Witnessing the Path of Change

2008-11-11T19:01:00.002-06:00

Breaking Patterns within the Family

2008-11-11T19:00:00.001-06:00

Loss: A Mix of Emotions

2008-11-11T18:58:00.002-06:00

Transitions and Loss

2008-11-11T18:56:00.001-06:00

Healthy Communication About Death and Dying

2008-11-11T18:49:00.004-06:00

Spinning Into Balance from Loss

2008-11-11T18:45:00.000-06:00

Humor in Loss: Tears and Giggles

2008-11-11T18:43:00.001-06:00

Boundaries: A Key To Emotional Healing

2008-11-11T18:41:00.002-06:00

Pets: A Major Loss

2008-11-11T18:38:00.002-06:00

Disrupted and Unconscious Agreements In Families Working With Loss

2008-11-11T18:36:00.005-06:00

Healing Through Loss

2008-11-11T18:31:00.001-06:00

Breakups and Divorce: The Death of an Entity Called Relationship

2008-11-11T18:29:00.001-06:00

Frozen In Time: Fear of The Future

2008-11-11T18:28:00.001-06:00

A Community Coming Together to Honor Loss

2008-11-11T18:26:00.001-06:00

Separating From Your Parents: A Life Long Journey

2008-11-11T18:23:00.003-06:00

New Beginnings May Mean Amends for Past Behaviors

2008-11-11T18:22:00.001-06:00

Through Service: There Is Healing

2008-11-11T18:16:00.002-06:00

As a grief and recovery professional Rev. Ted Wiard is often asked questions via the Taos News, a daily paper here in our area. Ted along with the Taos News believes this type of open forum brings the importance of emotional healing to the community. If you have a grief or recovery question for Rev. Ted, please send it to wiard@newmex.com.

7-27-06. Ten years ago on this day, I was coaching at a tennis tournament in Albuquerque, NM with a group of young tennis players from Taos. The next morning, the team woke up got ready for the big day. We drove to the tennis tournament, stretched, found out the match times, and went to watch our first player play his match. He won that match and we felt we had the beginnings of an amazing tournament as a team and as individuals. As we left the tennis court and headed back to the tournament desk, I was told I had a phone call. I told the team to wait as I took care of whatever business waited on the other line. My life and many other people’s lives changed that day as I listened to the information that was waiting. It was my stepfather on the other end and luckily he is a man I trust, respect, and love. This is what I heard, “Ted, this is not a joke, there has been a terrible crash and Amy (my daughter) and Rachel (my mother in law) have died and Keri (my other daughter) is hurt really bad and may not make it.” The ground under my feet felt as if it had left, my soul felt as if it was no longer in my body, and my eyes wondered from the team waiting 30 feet away on the other side of the door to only a blur of movement as everybody continued with their day that they had arrived for that morning. The metaphorical fog around me was so thick, I could barely move and I felt as if everything had slowed down to such a slow speed that it took every muscle to move at all. I was in shock and also on cruise control for my body, heart, and mind seemed to all be shattered and definitely not connected. As I gathered some senses, I went out and told the team, who loved my family as well, and left them with an assistant coach and told them to stay and play to their best ability and get their parents to come down and take care of them. I headed off to the hospital as the amazing medical staff was trying to save Keri and fly her to Albuquerque for a higher level of care at the UNM Medical Center. The Town of Taos had jumped into action; KTAO and some of the other radio stations were keeping the town updated on the situation. The New Mexican and Taos News ran articles and the Taos became a community of service. Keri died twenty-four hours later but not due to any of the professional or community services, she had had the best. From that day my life would never be the same. At first, I was devastated, stripped, destroyed. I made many unconscious and poor decisions but I chose to continue to try to heal. With support from professionals, friends (from many cultures and beliefs), family, spiritual leaders, and the community of Taos, I was able to start the life-long process of healing and growing. A lot of my motivation at the beginning was in order to honor my losses, I needed to honor myself and choose to not symbolically die with my family but live for them and in honor of them. After taking the scary of step of choosing to rebuild my life and find hope and reason to continue, the steps became easier and over the last years I have rebuilt my life and can honestly say that I am internally happier, stronger, connected to a higher power, and more conscious than any time in my life. This does not mean I don’t have sad days, have emotionally difficult days, or make mistakes but most days I have found serenity in my heart that allows me to walk through difficult days. After a lot of work to get to a place of serenity, I found one of the most amazing tools is that of service. This is why Golden Willow Retreat was established, this is why I write this article weekly, and this is why this work is so amazing to me. The idea that I may be able to give back a few sparks of hope to someone in need allows me to be grateful to have another day on this earth. Taos, New Mexico and all the very special people of Taos and the surrounding areas gave this to me in a time of need and I am grateful for that service and try to return that gift with honor. That is the foundation for the articles in the Taos News with the hope of helping those who choose to grow and heal through loss. Thank you Taos for being there and for being of service. Until next week, take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing through grief. Please direct questions to Rev. Ted Wiard, LPCC, CGC and founder of Dear Readers: Ten years ago on this day, I was coaching at a tennis tournament in Albuquerque, NM with a group of young tennis players from Taos. The next morning, the team woke up got ready for the big day. We drove to the tennis tournament, stretched, found out the match times, and went to watch our first player play his match. He won that match and we felt we had the beginnings of an amazing tournament as a team and as individuals. As we left the tennis court and headed back to the tournament desk, I was told I had a phone call. I told the team to wait as I took care of whatever business waited on the other line. My life and many other people’s lives changed that day as I listened to the information that was waiting. It was my stepfather on the other end and luckily he is a man I trust, respect, and love. This is what I heard, “Ted, this is not a joke, there has been a terrible crash and Amy (my daughter) and Rachel (my mother in law) have died and Keri (my other daughter) is hurt really bad and may not make it.” The ground under my feet felt as if it had left, my soul felt as if it was no longer in my body, and my eyes wondered from the team waiting 30 feet away on the other side of the door to only a blur of movement as everybody continued with their day that they had arrived for that morning. The metaphorical fog around me was so thick, I could barely move and I felt as if everything had slowed down to such a slow speed that it took every muscle to move at all. I was in shock and also on cruise control for my body, heart, and mind seemed to all be shattered and definitely not connected. As I gathered some senses, I went out and told the team, who loved my family as well, and left them with an assistant coach and told them to stay and play to their best ability and get their parents to come down and take care of them. I headed off to the hospital as the amazing medical staff was trying to save Keri and fly her to Albuquerque for a higher level of care at the UNM Medical Center. The Town of Taos had jumped into action; KTAO and some of the other radio stations were keeping the town updated on the situation. The New Mexican and Taos News ran articles and the Taos became a community of service. Keri died twenty-four hours later but not due to any of the professional or community services, she had had the best. From that day my life would never be the same. At first, I was devastated, stripped, destroyed. I made many unconscious and poor decisions but I chose to continue to try to heal. With support from professionals, friends (from many cultures and beliefs), family, spiritual leaders, and the community of Taos, I was able to start the life-long process of healing and growing. A lot of my motivation at the beginning was in order to honor my losses, I needed to honor myself and choose to not symbolically die with my family but live for them and in honor of them. After taking the scary of step of choosing to rebuild my life and find hope and reason to continue, the steps became easier and over the last years I have rebuilt my life and can honestly say that I am internally happier, stronger, connected to a higher power, and more conscious than any time in my life. This does not mean I don’t have sad days, have emotionally difficult days, or make mistakes but most days I have found serenity in my heart that allows me to walk through difficult days. After a lot of work to get to a place of serenity, I found one of the most amazing tools is that of service. This is why Golden Willow Retreat was established, this is why I write this article weekly, and this is why this work is so amazing to me. The idea that I may be able to give back a few sparks of hope to someone in need allows me to be grateful to have another day on this earth. Taos, New Mexico and all the very special people of Taos and the surrounding areas gave this to me in a time of need and I am grateful for that service and try to return that gift with honor. That is the foundation for this article by the Taos News in the hope of helping those who choose to grow and heal through loss. Thank you Taos for being there and for being of service. Until next week, take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing through grief. Please direct questions to Rev. Ted Wiard, LPCC, CGC and founder of Golden Willow Retreat at 575-776-2024 or GWR@newmex.com.

Facing the Mountain of Grief: Bit by Bit

2008-11-11T18:14:00.001-06:00

Memorials: A Chance to Remember and Let Go

2008-11-11T18:11:00.001-06:00

Holding the Space: The Key for Caregiving with Loss

2008-11-11T18:09:00.001-06:00

Healthy Isolation: Recovery of the Self

2008-11-11T18:07:00.001-06:00

Anger: The Chance for Communication

2008-11-11T16:02:00.001-06:00

The Difficulty of Change

2008-11-11T15:59:00.001-06:00

Baby Boomer Has the Blues

2008-11-11T15:56:00.003-06:00

Loss of Self: The Game of Hide and Seek

2008-11-11T15:54:00.001-06:00

Abuse: Another Type of Loss of Self

2008-11-11T15:52:00.002-06:00

Caregivers – The Silent Heroes

2008-11-11T15:49:00.002-06:00

Having Knowledge of the Phases of Grief Allows Hope

2008-11-11T15:46:00.001-06:00

Anger After Loss: The Need for Release

2008-11-11T15:44:00.002-06:00