3-25-10 Boundaries: An Important Part of Healing

Dear Ted,
After experiencing many losses over this last year which included a divorce, loss of job and some loved ones who passed away, I feel as if I’m starting to come out of a deep vacuum in which I am very different and my community is changing. I’m noticing that in setting boundaries I am causing some pain for others as well as some loneliness within my own life. What do you have to say about boundaries and healing from grief? Sincerely, Walled In

Dear Walled In,
It sounds as if you are in the midst of the natural healing process from loss. It’s quite common after experiencing loss that your community begins to shift and change. I believe that in loss, the definition of who you were before that loss dies due to the changes within your life internally and externally. In other words your external losses cause a “metaphorical death” of you. Within this death you may change many perspectives of your life, passions, interests, etc. These internal changes may not represent how the outer world sees you, as the outer world doesn’t usually transform in the same way that you change. This can cause conflict or tension as there is a feeling of pressure to be the person you were before your losses. As you re-define who you are becoming, you may set boundaries that are difficult. Boundaries are the chance to state your truth and say how you can or cannot be involved in some sort of action or interaction. You are not demanding others to change, only that you cannot partake in that behavior. In the beginning, boundaries my feel like your putting up walls due to saying “no” to behaviors that in the past may have been expected from you. Over time the “walls” come down and then the boundaries are not as much to the outer world but inward towards your self. Internal boundaries are catching yourself with actions that will lead to an imbalance of your emotional state. Trying to catch yourself before you have certain behaviors such as speaking about or acting on something from an unconscious state becomes the name of the game and can allow a higher level of serenity as well as less external boundaries, due to not setting up the situation that feels as if you are being attacked. This can be a time that your “community” changes as you change and for a while you may feel lonely as past relationships that are not working for you dissipate, making room for new and present relationships. This can be lonely as you stated, yet by being in relationship with your “Self” in a healthy manner will attract a community that is more in alignment with who your truly are internally and externally with balance. Until next week, take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing. Please direct questions to Ted Wiard, LPCC, CGC, founder of Golden Willow Retreat and clinical supervisor for Teambuilders Counseling at (575) 776-2024 or GWR@newmex.com.