3-11-10 Secondary Grief is Real & Normal

Dear Ted,
My wife died last year and the anniversary was last week. I have felt a major dullness come over my body yet it feels very different. I’m also noticing that a lot of my feelings seem to be a “disconnect” from the world around me, my community and even God. What do you make of this? Sincerely, William

Dear William,
I can feel and hear your pain as you work with the anniversary and death of your wife. There is also an interesting piece that appears to be happening in the midst of your healing that is quite common right around a year after a substantial loss in someone’s life. It’s as if there is a different playing field in the grieving process, from grieving the actual death and physical presence, to the secondary losses in your life. There is a transition in which you begin to be aware of yourself as well as the secondary losses that now present themselves such as: being single, changing lifestyles, financial changes, being a single parent, lacking levels of intimacy, thinking of possibly dating and the list goes on. All of these disconnects are called secondary losses and secondary grief. As we heal and life continues forward these losses begin to show up as a new level of the grief phases. You mentioned feeling a “disconnect” and this is exactly what happens. As you redefine yourself and rebuild yourself from your loss so many parts of you have to be redefined and within this state there is disconnect. Quite often you feel estranged from family, community and “God”. I personally believe that we learn our spiritual path through our relationships so it would make sense that as you redefine yourself and feel disconnected from yourself; you will be disconnected from these other relationships as well. I remember so clearly a year after my wife died that I thought I should be all better and I must be doing something wrong due to feeling new and different levels of sadness. It would have been helpful to know about secondary losses and that I had just entered a new level of healing from grief which I needed to do in order to find my losses and start to rebuild myself. In this “rebuilding” I was able to reconnect with family, community, reconnect with myself and a Higher Power of my understanding. It is natural and normal to feel disconnect as you rebuild, heal and step toward reconnecting in the world and the normal emotional healing process. Until next week, take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing. Please direct questions to Ted Wiard, LPCC, CGC, founder of Golden Willow Retreat and Clinical Supervisor for Teambuilders Counseling at (575) 776-2024 or GWR@newmex.com.