2-25-10 It Takes Bravery and Time to Regain the Giggles

Dear Ted,
I lost my job about a year ago and have found since that time I have had little energy, not much “spunk”, and seem to focus on the negative rather than the positive. What has happened? Do you think I will ever get my spontaneity and joy back in my life? Thanks, Rosa

Dear Rosa,
It sounds like this last year has been difficult and I want to thank you for reaching out and breaking the bubble of isolation that can happen so easily after a loss. This is a good sign you are on the right track of regaining your life and happiness. I once read that happiness is the balance of walking with joy and sorrow. It sounds like your balance was disrupted with the loss of your job. The hard part is being out of balance can start to feel normal and your subconscious can search to keep this new out of balance system in place. I call this “comfortably miserable”. The problem is usually you (or anyone) doesn’t even know that there is a false comfort zone. Even if people are trying to let you know that this is happening, you may not be open or aware of what is going on. This can affect relationships with others as well as yourself. The first key (what it appears you are doing) is to step out of the comfortable bubble of isolation and reach out for help. In grief this “bubble” is the phase of depression, it may be clinical depression or it may be the grief process in which your psyche has stepped into the recovery room (similar to after surgery) and is healing from the loss. After your loss your pleasure levels may be out of balance and the bar to feel pleasure may be so high that it is difficult to find joy easily. With this bar so high it makes it easier to find things that appear wrong and/or negative. High irritability at others, yourself and/or the world may arise as highly sensitive radar looking for things that are wrong in your eyes around you. This can be very difficult on relationships and may cause more damage within the relationships causing more problems and more grief. It is almost as if this loss is now starving to stay alive with new fuel from the negative feelings of the outer world. It is like our unconscious is searching to have the outer world match our inner pain. This trap can be detrimental leading to more isolation and anger while pushing those we love away and in return causing more loneliness and irritability. Within this self-perpetuating cycle, hope can feel very far away and possibly feel too far away. Breaking the cycle is the key and by reaching out, initiating and nurturing relationships and taking some “chances” such as being spontaneous, silly, or adventurous which can help to cause change and start to bring the pleasure bar back into the radar. This can be scary because it means you are breaking the old comfort zone of isolation and anger and leaning into having balance of fun, joy, happiness, connection, love as well as sorrow and loss. Daring yourself to nurture and celebrate life once again can be difficult yet it can allow you the chance to bring serenity, connection and healing back into your life. I wish you well on your journey to gain happiness and balance on your healing path. Until next week, take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing. Please direct questions to Ted Wiard, LPCC, CGC, founder of Golden Willow Retreat and clinical supervisor for Teambuilders Counseling at (575) 776-2024 or GWR@newmex.com.