2-11-10 Shame and Guilt: A Common Feeling in Grief

Dear Ted,
I have been feeling enormous amounts of guilt and shame and feel heavy, stuck and frozen. I have become so nervous that I feel like a deer in the headlights. Do you have any thoughts? Thanks, Needing a Change
Dear Changing,
There are times in life that can become so overwhelming that your psyche feels stuck or frozen. This is when your internal machinery freezes and it can feel impossible to move forward in your life. It is as if the stimuli coming in is too much and there is no more room to hold the past and present, making the future seem impossible to the point of not being able to move, make decisions, or even breathe. The past can lead to a place of shame and guilt. In the bargaining phase of emotional healing through loss, your psyche is using all of its energy to change the past rather than work with the present. I call this the “should of – could” of phase. If I had only said this, if he/she had only done that and so on. The brain is trying to change the past in an attempt to bring balance to your emotional world. The bargaining process needs room to be explored so that emotional wounds can be brought to light and then released so that guilt and shame do not become a self-confining jail in which you become frozen and unable to experience a productive and fulfilled life. There are actions you may wish to take: letting go of secrets, making amends, being healthy and conscious in the way you live your life today. This is often accomplished with the help with someone who has expertise in this type of healing work. Looking deeply and honestly into your actions and truths and beginning to feel healthy can be scary because you may not feel (consciously or unconsciously) deserving of a happy, wonderful and productive life. I believe all of us were meant to have happiness in our lives. Forgiveness to yourself and others may be the first step in finding out that you are deserving to heal and live fully. Moving towards acceptance of your historical life and your present situation may allow for conscious decisions that create a healing and happy future. The key in working with moving out of this frozen state is the ability to be truthful and gentle with yourself, realizing you were doing the best you could at the time and not judging your past with the vantage point of your wisdom of today. Your wisdom today is due to your actions from yesterday. Being willing to forgive yourself and move through resistance has the ability to transform guilt and shame into passion, hope and happiness. Being able to realize that the wisdom of today is due to your actions of the past will help move you forward. Moving out of the frozen role and choosing to “show up” with purity of intent and wise actions is all we can do. Making the decision to heal and then taking the action to follow through is the path of integrity. I hope you will be gentle to yourself as you honor your losses while honoring yourself with the hope of a life balanced with joy, sorrow and peace, and the actions to manifest happiness and health. Until next week, take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing. Please direct questions to Ted Wiard, LPCC, CGC, founder of Golden Willow Retreat and clinical supervisor for Teambuilders Counseling at (575) 776-2024 or GWR@newmex.com.